


Words Left Unspoken

by dancing_with_demons



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Angst, Freeform, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:08:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22768285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancing_with_demons/pseuds/dancing_with_demons
Summary: Anna reads Mike's diary when he's not at home.
Relationships: Chester Bennington & Mike Shinoda
Kudos: 13





	Words Left Unspoken

It was 9 o'clock in the morning of a Sunday as Anna stretched in her bed thinking about the list of things she's supposed to do. She was feeling particularly lazy today, not wanting to throw down the covers and head downstairs to the kitchen. Her eyes fell on the bedside lamp where a note was stuck:

_Will be in the studio. Made the kids breakfast already and left some for you. Happy sleeping!_

_\- M._

She smiled a bit. Her husband can be dorky at times but she loved him all the same. She stretched once again and decided it would be better to get some breakfast when her hands touched something hard on Mike's pillows. She pulled the thing out of it. Mike's diary. She smiled.

After Chester's death, Mike was keeping quiet a lot. He wouldn't talk to anyone, not even Anna or his friends. So the therapist seeing Mike recommended that he write out his feelings in a diary so that he can feel eased out. He did it. Sometimes it was just a few sentences, sometimes it turned into lyrics and at other times there were full accounts of his day and how he felt. Even though Anna never went through his personal things, Mike would sometimes read out the entries he made, making Anna worried sometimes about the dark thoughts going on inside his head. But it had been months since Mike read her the entries and Anna thought he had stopped keeping one. But here it was now and even though a voice inside her head protested against it, she opened the diary.

The first few pages were mostly to-do lists or few lines of lyrics. She thought there wasn't anything serious when her eyes fell on the yesterday's entry. She began reading it.

_15/02/2020_

_It happened again. The suggestion came but I couldn't play it. I've been meaning to but I don't know why I can't. It's not like I've some obligation on listening to it, but I want to. It's just that I cannot. I cannot listen to Sickness. It's been a week since they released the record and it has got lots of praises (well, it's him, what else do you expect?) but I can't do it. I can't listen to him without making my head go 1000miles/second._

_It hurts. It really does. To think he won't be here complaining about how this note should've been a bit higher and this tune should've been a bit different. It hurts. Every time I listen to a song he used to like, it hurts knowing he won't be singing aloud with the song, imitating the artist and making it sound far better than the original one. It hurts._

_Oh God! Why does it still hurt so much?_

_I know he's not going to come back and ask me, "Shinoda! Did you listen to my new record?"_

_And when I would say yes, he won't be jumping like an excited kid until I tell him it was amazing (which is true) ._

_Then all of a sudden he won't turn into a shy 16 year old and say, "You're just saying this to please me, aren't you? It's not that good. I know."_

_And I won't be spending hours reassuring him that it's the best thing I've ever heard._

_It took a lot from me to listen to What's In The Eye. I couldn't finish that 3 minute long song in one go. In the middle of it, I broke down into tears and had to pause it. Then I regained my courage and listened to it and again broke down to tears. To be honest, I don't have the courage to listen to another one. I can't do it again. To think he won't be here, touring for the album and adjusting schedule with us, hurts me. It hurts so fucking much. Every time I walk into the studio, I've to build up this courage to accept the fact that he won't be there and to keep working because that's what he would've wanted._

_I know he would've also wanted for us all to continue the band but I cannot. I won't lie, it scares me. It scares me to death that I won't do him justice if I continue with the band. He was the soul of Linkin Park and without him, the band is dead. I can't continue without him. If I start writing anything for the band, all I would be thinking is how Chester would react to it and how much excited he would be to add his own views to it. And that would make me stop from going any further._

_I wish he was still there. I wish he would send some kind of sign that whatever I'm doing is right, that he's happy to see me moving on because somewhere I feel guilty of continuing without him, that I shouldn't, even though in my heart I know that all he would've wanted for me to do is keep moving forward. But somewhere I want him to feel proud for me. For everything I've been doing._

_Am I doing this right, Ches? Am I really making you proud?_

The entry ended there.

Anna clutched the diary close to her heart as tears fell from her eyes. 

"You're the only one making him proud, Honey. You make him proudest", she murmured.

**Author's Note:**

> These are my feelings when I first heard Grey Daze's songs on YouTube. Also this is my first attempt at a fiction based on real people so let me know my mistakes.


End file.
